Runesaber
My Girlfriend
I woke up in the corner of the shop I fell asleep in. I had a
crick in my neck from sleeping in my magic orc helm, but I didn't
care because it kept thieves from trying to steal it. I sometimes
wonder why the nice fighter who gave me the orc helm was willing
to part with such a valuable item, but maybe it is just because
he is so brave and strong he didn't need it anymore.
I was still a little upset from my mommy not telling people
the truth about me and from her mean friends who made fun of me.
But I am the greatest knave, and as such, cannot let me feelings
stay hurt, so I got up and started wandering around. I quickly
ran across the path of a fighter named Alexander Caine. I called
out my usual greeting to him.
"I'M NEW! GIMMEE STUFF!"
He ignored me so I called out twice more, "I'M NEW!
GIMMEE STUFF! I'M NEW! GIMMEE STUFF!"
He took of running at this point. I could understand his fear
at meeting the greatest knave in all the land, but it still
didn't excuse his being rude.
"TALK TO ME! QUIT IGNORING ME! OR I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY
MAGIC WAND OF DEATH!"
He mumbles something about not liking beggers. Since I am not
a beggar, I am the great knave, Runesaber, I pulled out my wand
of death and took aim.
"PREPARE TO DIE!" I shouted at him. Then, I started
the chant of "VAS FLAM" and the motions to make the
wand kill this rude person, but he ran away and I missed him. I
decided not to chase him down since he was only rude and not
really worthy of the attention of such a powerful knave as
myself.
I then started wandering south through town, calling out the
occassion "I'M NEW! GIMMEE STUFF!" to passing
travelers. Most seemed to busy to talk or to donate, but as the
greatest knave in Sosaria, sometimes it is necessary to forgive
those who are not so refined as yourself. I then noticed some
hides lying on the ground near a group of people. Because I saw
them first, they were mine and I ran over to keep the thieves
from stealing them.
"HEY! THOSE ARE MY HIDES!" I called out. "WHO
TRIED TO STEAL MY HIDES! GUARDS!"
Then I looked around and used my magic orc helm to make sure I
got the names of the would be thieves so the guards would know
who to kill for trying to steal from me. I quickly realized they
weren't thieves when I saw who that it was Ilina, Khelvan,
Scaythe, and my girlfriend Syani the Elven. When I saw my
girlfriend, my heart started going really fast and my belly got
tingly again (I'm glad my robe is loose in front so that my
excitement at seeing her didn't show).
"HI LADY SYANI" I called to her.
Ilina then came forward and said to me, "Thee ran from me
last night"
"YOU WERE MAKING FUN OF ME."
Syani then returned my greeting, "Hello, Runesaber, I
hope thou art well tonight." (she talks so good. that's one
of the reason I love her so much)
Ilina then turned to Scaythe and said, "This is the lad I
told thee about."
"I 'ave 'eard o' a master smith by name o'
Runesaber...fergive me but ye do not look like 'im," Scaythe
replied.
Ilina then turned back to me and said, "Nay, I was
not!"
I though about it for a moment and couldn't remember if she
had or not, so I just shrugged it off. Besides, I wanted to go
kiss my girlfriend.
"LADY SYANI!" I called to her, "MY LOVEY"
I then planted a deep wet kiss on her mouth and said,
"DID YOU MISS ME, MY LOVE?"
She kinda turned a little pale at the touch of my lips, but I
guess she was still getting used to the fact that the greatest
knave in Sosaria was her boyfriend.
I then stepped back and almost panicked when I saw an orc in
town.
"ACK! AN ORC!" I screamed. "KILL IT! KILL IT!
KILL IT!"
Then I realized my girlfriend was in danger from the filthy
thing and I had to do something. I dug into my pack and saw my
great wand of death. I grabbed it and prepared to fry the unclean
beast.
"I KNOW! MY MAGIC WAND OF DEATH!"
I then took aim and unleased a barrage from the wand. The
bright flashes hurt my eyes so I closed kept them closed while I
blasted away. When I stopped and opened them, the orc was gone.
"HEY! I KILLED THE ORC!"
I looked over at my girlfriend and she was swooning.
"Thee did kill the orc," said Ilina.
In my excitement at the great victory, I called out "I AM
THE GREATEST KAVE EVER!"
I then started strutting around.
Syani beamed at me and said, "Thank thee, brave
knave!"
Khelvan noticed that in my excitement I had misspoken my title
and corrected me.
"Knave, not Kave. Knave," he said.
"YA, KNAVE," I replied. "I SOMETIMES GET TONGUE
TIED. I LIKE GETTING TONGUE TIED WITH SYANI. SHE'S MY
LOVER."
Then my mommy said, "Brave knave to kill an orc like
that."
I started to talk to her, but decided that if she was going to
keep lying to people and say I wasn't her son, then I was just
going to ignore her and pretend she didn't exist.
"DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?" I asked. "I THINK
THERE IS A MOSQUITO AROUND."
I then pretended to be looking for the insect. After a second
or two, I said, "NOPE. MY MISTAKE. NO BUG."
I then walked back over to my girlfriend.
"SO, LADY SYANI, DID YOU MISS ME?" I asked her.
"I MISSED YOU, LOVER. WE ARE GIRLFRIEND AND BOYFRIEND
NOW."
Ilina and Scaythe had been talking, but I didn't pay much
attention until I heard her say, "He did want me to be his
mommy last night..."
I smiled at her cuz she is so nice and told her, "YA, YOU
CAN BE MY MOMMY."
Lady Syani then said to me, "Runesaber, for thou to be my
love, thou must become a true elf man."
"HOW DO I BE AN ELF?" I asked her. "I WILL BE
AN ELF FOR YOU LADY."
She answered, "Thou must take a knife...and geld
thyself."
"GELD?" I asked. "WHAT IS GELD? IS THAT LIKE
GOLD? IF IT IS, THEN I LIKE GELDING."
I noticed Khelvan trying not to laugh, but I didn't understand
why.
Lady Syani then explained, "For me, aye. Dost thou know
that hangy thing between thy legs? Cut it off."
"CUT IF OFF?" I said, "BUT THEN I COUDLN'T
WRITE MY NAME IN THE SNOW ANYMORE?"
At this point, Scaythe started laughing, and Khelvan said,
"Oh aye, ye could, it would be a tad more difficult."
I didn't want to cut my thingy off, cut if Lady Syani said I
had to, then I would do it. Then it hit me, maybe she had never
seen a real man write his name with his thingy. After all, all
she prolly knew was elf men who didn't have thingies cuz they cut
them off. Maybe if she saw how useful it was, she would let me
keep mine.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU HOW I WRITE MY NAME?" I
asked. "HERE, I WILL SHOW YOU."
I then took off my white robe and my pants. I then reached
down and started searching for my thingy. It is kinda small, so I
sometimes have a tough time getting a hold of it.
"IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE," I called out so they
wouldn't get impatient.
Suddenly, I disappeared. I think my mommy did something to
make me go away, but I didn't know what. For a moment, I forgot I
was the greatest knave ever, and I panicked.
"ACK! WHERE DID I GO!" I screamed. "AND WHERE
DID MY THINGY GO?"
I panicked even further and shouted, "BRING ME BACK!
BRING ME BACK!"
Ilina then said, "Put thy clothes back on first, and then
we shall bring thee back."
I hurriedly threw my robe back on and called out, "I PUT
MY ROBE BACK ON! BRING ME BACK! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!"
I started sobbing at this point, afraid I was going to be gone
forever.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE GONE ANYMORE," I moaned. "I
DON'T LIKE IT. SOMEONE HELP ME."
I almost broke down into gushing tears, but then, I came back.
"I'M BACK!" I shoted. "SEE, I'M TOUGH. I CAN
DISAPPEAR AND COME BACK CUZ I'M THE GREATEST KNAVE EVER"
I then strutted around some to remind them how great I really
was. My girlfriend and I then talked some more about becoming a
elf male, and she told me I need to use something called a spoon
to do the gelding. Then my mommy made her disappear and this made
me mad. Khelvan felt bad about this and decided to cheer me up.
"Hey, Runesaber," he said,"do you like
toys?"
"YA! YA! YA!" I replied, "I LIKE TOYS LOTS!
GIMMEE!"
Khelvan started looking in his bags for a toy for me and said,
"Let me see if I can find one for you in my bag here."
"GIMME MY TOYS OR I'LL HOLD MY BREATH TILL I TURN BLUE
AND PASS OUT AND THE GUARDS KILL YOU FOR MAKING ME PASS
OUT," I threatened. "GIMMEE! GIMMEE! GIMMEE!"
He replied, "Oh, aye, yes. We wouldn't want that, now
would we?"
Suddenly, I noticed a bear had appeared and was coming after
me. Apparently it was a special bear because it was named Xavori.
I don't know why, but that name struck terror deep into my heart.
"ACK!" I screamed, "THE BEAR IS GONNA GET
ME!"
I then started running around trying to keep away from the
bear. Then, it was joined by a panther and a chicken.
"GET IT AWAY!" I shouted, "DUMB BEAR GO AWAY!
HELP ME! GUARDS!"
I kept running and again shouted, "GUARDS! GUARDS! I PAY
MY TAXES AND NO GUARDS!"
I tried to keep going, but I got too tired to move.
"THEY'VE GOT ME!" I cried, "I'M A GONNER!"
I then looked into the eyes of my love and told her,
"LADY SYANI, TAKE MY HELM. AND REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU WEAR
IT."
I then, with a tear in my eye, I handed her my single most
valuable possession.
"THEY'RE KILLING ME! I'M DYING! AAAAAAAA!!!!"
Then it occured to me that these beasts were not hurting me at
all. I realized it must because of my great power. After all, I
was the greatest knave in all the land.
"DIE BEAR" I shouted as I attacked the bear with my
bare hands.
My battle cry apparently startled the bare who suddendly
fought back with renewed fury. I felt my life slipping away. But
I knew that I had to protect my girlfriend.
"RUN LADY SYANI!" I called to her. "I'll HOLD
THEM OFF AS LONG AS I CAN! SAVE YOURSELF!"
My fear for my girlfriends life gave me greater strength, and
suddenly, on of the beasts disappeared beneath my attack.
"RUN AWAY!" I called to her again. "I'LL SAVE
YOU!"
"Thou art so gallant!" replied Lady Syani with love
in her eyes.
"I LOVE YOU, LADY SYANI!" I called to her.
"REMEMBER ME AND HOW I SAVED YOU FROM THE WILD
ANIMALS!"
"Nay, I cannot leave thee," she replied.
I realized just how much she loved me at that moment and I
fought even harder. Then, the last of the beasts disappeared and
I was victorious!
"HEY! I KILLED THEM ALL!" I called out.
"My hero!" cried Lady Syani.
I started strutting around and Lady Syani handed me back my
orc helm.
"Thou may need this in the future. To protect me, of
course," she said.
"LOOK AT ME!" I said proudly, "I AM THE
GREATEST KNAVE!"
Khelvan then handed me twenty gold and said, "Thy reward
for saving Lady Syani."
I tried to hand it back to him and said, "SHE IS MY
GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T NEED A REWARD. I LOVE HER. I WILL DIE FOR
HER."
Khelvan then looked at me and nodded slightly.
He said, "Did ye know that if ye love someone, ye do not
kiss them without asking?"
"YOU DON'T? WHY NOT?" I asked curiously.
Lady Syani muttered something about cutting and getting mad,
and then Khelvan replied, "Because a lady deserves respect,
Runesaber."
I looked over at Lady Syani and asked, "I MADE YOU MAD
WHEN I KISSED YOU?"
"Did I cut thee?" she replied.
"NO! YOU DIDN'T CUT ME!" I said realizing what this
meant. "THAT MUST MEAN YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME VERY VERY
MUCH!"
Khelvan then said, "I do think ye misunderstood
her."
"NO!" I replied. "SHE LOVES ME! DON'T YOU LADY
SYANI!"
She looked at me, and I noticed pain in her eyes.
"Alas, I cannot, I am dying."
I was dumbstruck. My first and only true love. And she was
dying. I didn't know what to say or do.
"DYING?" I gasped.
"Yes," she replied.
"I'LL SAVE YOU" I said. "WHAT DO I NEED TO
DO?"
Syani then said, "You see, I am 2567 years old and two
months."
"I LIKE OLDER WOMEN!" I said not caring if she was
old enough to be my great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great
grandmother. (I hope I had enough greats in there, but I can't
count to 2567 so I'm not sure how really old that is)
Syani then said, "As long as thee do not mind corpse,
thou art in good shape."
"CORPSES ARE OKAY," I said. "I'LL BE ON TOP.
YOU CAN JUST LIE THERE. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. THE MEN ON THE BOAT
SHOWED ME."
My girlfriend got a little faint at the point, but then
Khelvan changed the subject.
"Hey Runesber, perhaps ye would like to join Ogodei and I
in our battle against teh murderers?"
"MURDERERS?" I said. "YES! I AM THE GREATEST
KNAVE! I SHALL SLAY THEM ALL!"
"Aye, and ye should be a great asset to us."
"I WILL! I'LL DO WHAT I'M TOLD. LET ME GO! PLEASE!
PLEASE! PLEASE!" I begged.
Khelvan then looked at Lady Syani. "Do ye think he could
defend thine honor in this manner, Lady Syani?"
"Aye, I think he can do that quite adequately," she
replied.
"I WILL RETURN AN EVEN GREATER KNAVE!" I boasted.
"LET ME AT 'EM. I'LL CUT 'EM TO PIECES."
We than started planning our attack. Ogodei and Khelvan need
to go get supplies, so the both ran off for a moment. I then
turned to my girlfriend.
"LADY SYANI MY LOVE," I began, "I GO FORTH TO
BATTLE THE EVIL MEN. IF I SHOULD FAIL TO RETURN. REMEMBER ME
FONDLY, AND KNOW THAT I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."
Lady Syani seemed to be choking back tears (at least I think
they were tears, might have been laughter...no, it was tears) and
said, "How could I ever forget thee?"
"IT WILL BE DIFFICULT MY LOVE, BUT YOU MUST BE
STRONG."
"Try as I might, thou wilt always stain my memories.
Trust me."
I then moved to give her a deep wet kiss, but I remembered
what Khelvan had told me.
"MAY I KISS YOU?" I said. "SEE, I ASKED. I
LEARN QUICK!"
She looked at me with pure love in her eyes (or maybe it was a
speck of dirt *shrug*) and said, "Oh, alright."
I then took her and pulled her into a passionate embrace. My
strong arms held her close to me. She became weak in the knees,
but my powerful arms held her steady as our lips came together.
The passion of the moment consumed us. I could feel our
heartbeats become one. Then, too quickly, the moment passed and
reluctantly, our lips parted. I looked into her eyes with the
true emotion that I could feel so evident there. I smiled
slightly as I kissed my one true love for perhaps the last time.
"FARE WELL, MY GIRLFRIEND. NEVER FORGET ME."
I then turned and started running to do battle with the
murderers.
"LOOK OUT BAD GUYS! HERE I COME!"
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