Matthew the Bard:
Crisis in Britannia, Day 75.
I'm Matthew the Bard and you're listening to Britannia Network News.
In the headlines today.
In a stunning reversal of fortune, the undead army has been almost completely destroyed in the City of Trinsic. Eyewitness reports say that the most successful tactics involved dozens of volunteers rushing the barricades with chopping weapons. While mages rained lightning and flames onto the walls, assault teams managed to penetrate the evil shrine and destroy it entirely. Reports are inconclusive on the nature of the evil shrine, since many of the members of the assault team did not return to tell the tale. The evidence of their success is all around never the less. Once the barricades were breached, thousands died rushing through to widen and hold the breach at the gate. After the gate was retaken, the slaughter of the invaders began. Within a short time, not one undead enemy was left standing and Trinsic was retaken. With Trinsic back in human hands on some shards, Lord British's guards have been restored. The spell that keeps them from attacking monsters is still in place. They will, however, respond to calls from citizens attacked by other citizens. It is expected that more shards will make the attempt to free Trinsic, in the near future. Word has come from Britain that Dupre and the Interim Council will make an important announcement tomorrow. Speculation is running rampant that Lord British has been found and rescued. There is equal speculation that he has been located, but is dead or unreachable by mundane forces. BNN will have reporters on hand and will bring you details on the announcement as soon as we have them. More news after these words.
My name is Mark Depraved, just two short years ago I was a broke Lycaeum drop out, painting houses for a little gold and living in a tiny, one-room shack in the worst part of Britain. I had no hope and no future. Then I attended an auction with a friend and bought some antique furniture. Who would I sell it to? That's when I stumbled on the money-making trick that works without fail. I place one small classified ad on the local comm crystal channel, within three weeks I had sold all the furniture with a profit of one thousand percent. I placed that gold right around, bought one thousand fish steaks from the local grand master and this time I placed ads on comm crystal channels all over Britannia. Within days I was wealthy. Now I'm going to share my techniques with you. For just 21 gold pieces, I'll send you my book, "Mark Depraved's Guide to Buying at Auction and Selling on Crystal." You'll receive a step by step guide on how to attend an auction, how to bid on and buy items in that auction, how to write a compelling classified ad and place it on a comm crystal frequency. If you act now, I'll also send you, absolutely free, a second book, "One Hundred Fifty Thousand Comm Crystal Channels of Britannia." You'll be able to place your ad and reap the benefits within days. So act now, call this channel and get, "Mark Depraved's Guide to Buying at Auction and Selling on Crystal" plus "One Hundred Fifty Thousand Comm Crystal Channels of Britannia" for only 21 gold.
Another male voice:
Offer not valid in Britain, Yew, Cove, Skara Brae, Trinsic, or any city with an incorruptible Better Business Bureau. Local tax applies. Offer expires the next moon phase or the start of any investigation. All rights reserved.
Matthew the Bard:
Welcome back to BNN. Other news today, the recent overwhelmingly popular contest titled, "Who Wants to Marry a Lumberjack," met with controversy this week regarding one of the winning contestants. A bard recently arrived in Magincia bearing news that, in addition to chopping down trees, winning lumberjack, Slick Snotwell, had a previous career appearing as Betty Blaze, a well known torch singer on the Britannia tavern circuit. Contest organizers could not be reached for comment. Controversy has also overtaken Captain Pete of Jhelom. Seen earlier today offering ten thousand gold to anyone who would sell him their child, apparently Pete had negotiated a trade opportunity with the undead of Trinsic in which he will supply them with a continuous stream of Little Britannian Scout Cookies. Captain Pete apparently did not notice the fine print in his agreement where he promised to ensure that the cookies would actually be made out of little Britannians. And that's the news for today. I'm Matthew the Bard and you've been listening to BNN.