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Britannian Horoscopes
Aries

Word for the Week: triumphant
Phrase of the Week: 'Ahhahahaaa!'

A difficult time this week will bring on armies of undead wanting to claw at your very soul and rip your weary flesh. Get yourself a large axe Aries, adopt a strong jaw line, and bring em on. As the shambling zombies of trauma head your way, start the blood splattering, and wade through the severed limbs of opportunity. 

Taurus:

Word for the week: possessive
Phrase of the week: 'thatsminethatsmine!'

Someone is in a bit of a childish mood this week. Don't look at us with that sulky expression Taurus, as we all know it's you. You want to win, win, win, and all you can do is whine, whine, whine. Beaten in a fishing competition by a young whippersnapper who can barely find his way ‘round Britain, your week will surely round off nicely with your bloody and amusing death in a 'Death Knight - nowhere to hide' incident. 

Gemini:

Word of the Week: volatile
Phrase of the Week: 'I did not, did too, did not, did too..'

Gemini, Gemini. How can you focus with the battle raging in your mind? Have you noticed everyone is backing away from you like you're a firework that didn't go off the first time? Take a deep breath and stop scaring people! With you flailing about like a new player on fire all you're going to get is a bucket of water and a curious stare. You are, after all, supposed to fight monsters, and not your split personality.

Cancer:

Word of the Week: dangerous
Phrase of the Week: 'Don't even think about it Mister!'

A calm winter night brings you Cancerians in on the breeze. Famed for your gooey nature, it seems that you've had enough of playing mother, and want a little of the action. Ruling with some well chosen phrases and a deadpan expression there's something a little too scary about the way you persuade others to leave the dying gargoyles in front of their feet, allowing you to saunter over to pop it into the afterlife. How can you lose?

Leo:
Word of the Week: powercrazed
Phrase of the Week: 'Cower Mortal!'

Often mistaken for a puppy's yelp, your mighty roar is back with passion this week. You are King of the Social Jungle, and with many other Leo clichés you're out to rule the known universe with an iron grip, army of intrepid followers, and large bank balance. Smile smugly as others can only gape at your prowess. Grin wickedly as your spells take out yet another foe in a sea of magical essence. Cackle demonically. All the time.

Virgo:
Word of the Week: cynical
Phrase of the Week: 'Sh'yeah right.' 

Virgo, like anyone can count on you caring anymore. With the ancient battle cry of 'Like I didn't expect that…' you're just no fun to play with. Victory is rare this week dear Virgo, as no one wants to be your friend until you snap out of that twisted mood and start being fun to party with. And learn some new emotes! 

Libra:

Word of the Week: sanctimonious (sank-ti-moan-i-us)
Phrase of the Week: 'happy happy joy joy'

You deserve a good week Libra. You deserve it and you know it. Burning deep in your soul you know how good you are, how clever you are, how egotistical you are. Feeling as desirable as a redecorated tower, and as valuable as a housing plot, you strut your stuff this week. Will anyone notice Libra? Will anyone care? Perhaps that special someone?

Scorpio:
Word of the Week: gagging
Phrase of the Week: 'Checkthatout!'

Getting a bit hot under the collar are we? All those weapon wielding lovelies out there causing your temperature to rise? One paperdoll of red haired sweetness and all of a sudden you can't concentrate? What's new Scorpio? This week you'll wield a weapon alright, but you'll get so sidetracked trying to peer through the chainmail bikinis that the guards are wearing you'll never get around to actually hitting anything. It's a wonder you've still got appendages. 

Sagittarius:

Word of the Week: liberate
Phrase of the Week: 'Come on then.. move move move move..'

Your heart is singing, as with each good deed you relinquish the masses from their own personal torture chamber. With nary a thought for whether they were quite happy in there, you skip onwards, healing at hand, killing things other people were hacking away at, so they too can thank you personally for ruining their fun. Well done Sagittarius! It's not many who are as kind and benevolent as you are this week. 

Capricorn:

Word of the Week: equipped
Phrase of the Week: 'Have spells with optional accessories, will travel!'

No one collects useful items like you do Capricorn. With the pride of the revoltingly sensible, this week you will never lacerate, wound, or assassinate someone without first selecting the right tool for the job, with almost painful consideration. Even to the point of the victim asking you to hurry up. Dedication, that is. 

Aquarius:

Word of the Week: egotistical
Phrase of the Week: 'Well I can do that without any hands.'

You're not shocked when people bow before you this week, as you know it is well deserved. Your genius radiates from you like the spawn of a halo and a magical blast, leaving faint scorch marks on the walls as you pass by. You'll be the guild's best defender, the golden one, the youngster with a heart of gold and sense beyond his years. You'll never be out of favour, never be left on your own, and never have to buy your own drinks in any tavern. Well, not this week, anyway. 

Pisces:

Word of the Week: escapism
Phrase of the Week: 'Ho Landlord! A pint of your finest ale!'

Greetings Pisces. A message from the King decrees that the ancient and gold trimmed standard of role-playing will be raised aloft over the sacred stones of your life this week. Avaunt ye from the Forest of Grim Determination, and ride for the Plains of Mass Destruction as if your very life depended upon it. There will be conflict, sword blades scraping and sparking, the wrenching sounds hanging in the air like the very ghosts you will be facing. There will be witty repartee with innkeeper's daughters, or a jovial white knight. There will, and this is a certainty Pisces, be a Skeletal King. 

Published: March 2000
Please Note: Some dates are estimates as exact dates were unavailable.
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