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Britannian Horoscopes
Aries

Word for the Week: Destroy
Phrase of the Week: “Yippie-ki-yay” 

Bring it on Aries. Bring on the fight. You’re ready and willing to take out anyone who gets in your way. Short of wearing a blackened vest top and chain-smoking nightshade on top of a burnt-out castle turret you cannot be more deadly. Lucky too. Bastard swords might have your name on them, but they’ve got to hit you first. 

Taurus:

Word for the week: Mew?
Phrase of the week: “Nice kitty… here kitty kitty…”
You’re feeling a little lost at the minute Taurus. Your normal brutish force and determination has disappeared on holiday, leaving you little but a pathetic tiny meowing noise and a look of bewilderment. Enjoy it while you can and let yourself be tamed by those least expecting you to return to full force. Eat the contents of their backpack for breakfast? 

Gemini:

Word of the Week: Inane
Phrase of the Week: “Lalalala - I can’t hear you! – Lalala” 

Oblivious to sagely advice and bad news, you have a tendency to avoid guidance right now, choosing instead to skip from place to place, singing about the prettiness of the trees and the lovely russet colour of dried blood. You’re actually scaring people. Only the truly deranged try to take on Liche Lords with no armour and a rose between their teeth. Try to relate to your sane side soon. 

Cancer:

Word of the Week: Truelymadlydeeply
Phrase of the Week: “The intensity of the nightfall, with its flickering shadows and pools of hued brilliance…”

The soul of a long dead poet appears to have attached itself to your imagination, as you can hardly contain yourself with the beauty of words ebbing and flowing in your mind’s eye. You ought to consider trying to be more of a handy ally at the moment, rather than hanging about at the back of the ranks singing songs of yore and using poetic license to turn the slaying of a rabbit into ‘The Siege Of The Woodland Glade.’ 

Leo:

Word of the Week: Depressed
Phrase of the Week: “It’s no use trying to cheer me up.” 

Leo. Come now. Wandering off seeking ‘solitude’ won’t make you feel any more loved right now. If you’re determined to be miserable, please let your friends drag you out. Oh and do consider working on that stand-up comedy routine for the tavern on Saturday night. Misery, as the phrase goes, loves company. 

Virgo:

Word of the Week: Flourish
Phrase of the Week: “With a hey-nonny-nonny…”

Spring is in the air. With the increase in natural good vibes, you’ve become a charmer, a lovable scoundrel with svelte wit, sparkle, and comedy. It won’t last. Make the most of your hysterical one-liners and be hilarioulys entertaining, as when the aura of devilish hilarity vanishes, you really don’t want there to be a crowd to see you trip over a tree branch. It’s only good when they’re laughing with you, not at you. 

Libra:

Word of the Week: Blustering
Phrase of the Week: “What ho! Tally forth and may the virtues save us!” 

You want fame, glory, and a big banner with your name on it. You want frothy pints of ale in the tavern after a good clean fight. You want shiny armour you can see your face in, and speeches designed to rally the troops and wreak some havoc as you let slip the dogs of war. You want to swagger back to town with your head held high. Libra, it could well happen. Keep trying. 

Scorpio:

Word of the Week: Placid 
Phrase of the Week: ‘C’est la vie” 

Well, every cloud has a silver lining. The world still turns, the sun still rises. People live and die, love and hate, kill and loot. You know? So you might not make a million gold today, there’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow is a brand new day! This sort of behaviour, Scorpio, is why people are avoiding you. Comfort, but not with cliché. Please! 

Sagittarius:

Word of the Week: Investment
Phrase of the Week: “That profit margin needs balancing…”

Money makes the world go round, and all that glitters can be sold. You are out to make some cash Sagittarius, and until you can sculpt your own likeness in solid gold, you’re out to sell sell sell. Beware... Some of those moneymaking schemes could land you in trouble with fellow citizens, shopkeepers, and above all, the town guards. Don’t lose your head over them…

Capricorn:

Word of the Week: Overworked
Phrase of the Week: “If you want something done right…”

Exasperation reigns. When you’re not carrying someone else’s backpack, or helping party members kit up and learn which way the pointy end of a sword goes, you’re running to get food and do things the right way. Try not to get aggravated Capricorn, and hang on in there. Your teaching will mean less work in the long run. 

Aquarius:

Word of the Week: Alarmed
Phrase of the Week: “Hey! Watch out for the… oh.” 

You can see disaster everywhere. Novice swordsmen hacking off their own limbs in a fit of excitement, blacksmiths setting their aprons on fire, tamers overrun by a migrating stampede of llamas. Danger lurks, and only you can foresee the destruction. Big question is whether you point this out to others, or take a ringside seat and watch and chaos? 

Pisces: 

Word of the Week: OOOooooOOoooo
Phrase of the Week: “Where can I spend my frequent dier miles?” 

A grey landscape makes you sigh ethereally. Again. The trick is not to go straight back for your kit, not when it’s being guarded by a large Dragon who hasn’t had a good meal in minutes. Throwing yourself at it like some sort of action replay isn’t going to help anything but your firm standing in the afterlife. Why not go haunt someone for a while? They’ll like that. 

Published: April 2000
Please Note: Some dates are estimates as exact dates were unavailable.
Ultima Online ESRB Rating
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