Elston Bovinous

UP : Britain (Napa Valley)

    A complaint was filled with the Britain guards yesterday evening. According to the report filed by Duane the farmer of Britain's West Side Farms, "There were some unruly characters hanging around my home, drinking ale and tipping over my cows."

    The Town Cryer can concur with the report, as the publication obtained these exclusive images sent in from an anonymous citizen from Britain. The cow tipping party was apparently the doings of Willio the farmboy, a part-time worker at the farm.

    When contacted by the Town Cryer, Willio the farmboy commented, "I don't understand how this could have gotten so out of hand. I love my boss, Duane, and I love my job. Now, I have been known to have a few ales and go out and tip a cow or two from time to time, but that's just how I get some relaxation after a hard day on the farm."

    Asked about the incident, Duane the farmer commented, "I couldn't sleep last night. It had to have been at least three in the morning. There was all sorts of hooting and hollering going on outside. A hard-working man needs his sleep... I have crops to harvest at the crack of dawn. This was craziness."

    "Well, I am truly sorry that I have caused so much trouble here," said Willio, "Most of the people that came to have a good time with me did just that. There were some people that were working on becoming Grandmaster cow tippers, goodness, we were just having some fun."

    Duane the farmer would not speculate on the status of farmboy Willio's job, and would not say for sure whether or not he intended to keep Willio on for next season's harvest. "I admire Willio's good work ethic," said Duane, "but I'm not sure if I can take the noise and the tippings anymore."

    Willio seemed almost defiant in his response to the news of his job. "I also think this whole thing was educational. Most of the people who came to help me tip cows had never done it before and they didn't know how to do it. The trick is in the touch. You just have to keep shoving them over and over and over again. Eventually you get a feel for it and then they go falling over on their side. Hey, I think I shared some great farmhand wisdom last night, and now I hear my job may be in jeopardy. Tis a sad day in this farmboy's life."

    The Town Cryer tried to contact Duane the farmer to make a final check the status of Willio's continued employment at the farm, but Duane would answer no further attempts to reach him by communication crystal.

    "Ah well," said the cheery Willio with a gleam in his eye, "there's plenty more work out there for a qualified farmhand... and plenty of cows throughout the land that need a good tipping. I have no worries. I'll see all my new cow tipping friends when I start my next job."

From the Town Cryer - The Journal of Ultima Online, Friday, March 27th 1998